Elation or deflation? Petition delivered.

We arrived at the the Department for Justice and Equality on St Stephen's Green, Dublin to deliver the petition. We were accompanied by Deirdre Kenny - Advocacy Director  www.oneinfour.ie, whose help has been invaluable. There was a photographer from the Irish Independent waiting to 'capture the moment'.

After 5 minutes I ventured up the steps, feeling nervous and went through the revolving doors to reception. The box containing the signatures felt very light but at times it felt like lead. To me it was much more than a box of papers. It was a box of memories, triggers, flashbacks, trial appearances, and other associated negativity. On the other hand it was full of love, support, encouragement and hope.

The receptionist accepted the box when I asked if it could be delivered to Mr Shatter. Who can say whether she had been expecting us? There was no sense of surprise or curiosity. The rest of the group arrived into reception and we asked if Minister Shatter was available but she said that we needed to write in for an appointment. I said I had written but had no response. I couldn't describe the exchange or the atmosphere as warm. After lots of blank stares and moments of awkwardness we did an about turn and the door started to revolve again as we exited.

I'm not sure if I was elated or deflated. Even now a couple of days later I am still not sure. The only thing I am sure of is, we did what we could. Every single person who signed the petition deserved to see that the petition reached it's destination and will find it's way to the person intended.

I may have been nervous whilst delivering it but I was surrounded by lots of love and support. I know my Mother would also be proud to have stood there as it would have been the culmination of much door knocking for her also.

So now we wait for the High Court hearing on Tuesday next and hope that this whole sorry saga will be viewed with one eye on history and the other on transparency.

Coffin for a Cause.

I have written to the Irish Justice Minister a couple of times now and it saddens me that I have had no response. All I have ever asked for and all I am asking for now is for someone in authority to tell me that Chapter 20 will be published without any further delay. After 37 years what does someone have to do? However this is not to be and therefore we will travel to Dublin tomorrow, 5th June to deliver the petition in person. We won't get to meet anyone of note so it may just entail leaving the Petition at a reception desk and they can choose what to do with it. I imagine it will be taken very carefully, possibly by 2 or more security personnel and placed very delicately on the desk of Mr Shatter in readiness for him to read every signature at his earliest convenience!!

Boxing up the signatures this evening was strange in a couple of ways.Firstly that over a thousand people think it's as important as I do to see Chapter 20 published and they have shown so much support throughout the process. Secondly it's almost like most of what defines me is in a box. Maybe not most but certainly a considerable amount of what my life has been about for many years. It's like a 'coffin for a cause'. This in turn is a good thing because it means the last 4 months of pestering people and all the constant reminders can be buried and the soul of the petition is now in the hands of a greater power. I have nothing more to contribute as to whether or not Chapter 20 is released. 50 plus pages of signatures will hopefully bring some pressure to bear on whoever has that final decision.

So it's off to Dublin we go for the quickest trip known to man. We arrive about 3.30pm and leave again around 5.30pm but it's not a sightseeing tour we are going for, the emphasis must be on the task at hand.

This petition may seem as if it's all about me but there are many of us involved in Chapter 20. I however have chosen to speak out, both for myself, but also for the ones who for whatever reason, cannot speak for themselves. So on behalf of everyone involved a great big thank you for your support and kindness.

The petition is still running, and with every signature, an email is generated to both Alan Shatter TD, Minister for Justice and An Taoiseach, Enda Kenny. If you would still like to show your support click here to sign.

Is patience always a virtue?

After 37 years of waiting and the degree of recent press exposure, I thought there would be a modicum of understanding from the Irish authorities toward my situation. I would class myself as a patient person in many ways. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to others even when there is a voice somewhere within, telling me to do otherwise.

Since Patrick McCabe was sentenced on 22nd March, it has been a complete whirlwind of emotion and I have tried to underplay it as best I can in the interests of self preservation, selfishly. Everywhere I turn there are triggers. Some self inflicted because of running the petition and because triggers of past experiences are now part of my DNA.

I have been patient since I gave my first statement to Archbishop's House in 1977. I was patient when I saw my mother crying so often in pure frustration because she didn't know what to do for the best and there was no help or support for her. I was patient for the 10 year period from 2003-2013 whilst McCabe was extradited from the U.S. and brought to Justice. I was patient when the Irish authorities told me that there was nothing more could be done to prosecute my other abuser. I was patient throughout my 5 trips to Dublin (within a six month period) for the trial. I was patient when McCabe's plea was accepted by the Director of Public Prosecutions. I am now TRYING to be patient whilst waiting for Chapter 20 of the Murphy report to be released.

Lots of dates and numbers, lots of gaps and timelines. They don't mean very much to anyone except me. This has been my life. Of course I have had good times and I am tired of measuring moments in my life against abuse triggers such as arrest dates,extradition dates, court appearance dates, sentencing dates and scheduled dates for the release of Chapter 20. I was 12 when I was first abused. The day of my 50th birthday was spent travelling to Ireland for McCabe's sentencing. Unacceptable.

All I ever wanted was to believe that someone, somewhere, had my best interests at heart and what happened to me was wrong and it mattered. After all the fury and disgust displayed by the Catholic Church and the Irish Government over the past 10 years, someone would demonstrate that although I was a very small cog in a very large wheel, someone, somewhere cared.

However I feel the exact opposite.

I am proud to be Irish and although I live in Britain I will always be a proud Irishman. The funny thing is my pride is being eroded as time goes by and the feeling of abandonment becomes more apparent. I am not seeking any grand gestures, just acknowledgement of simple requests or at the very least acknowledgement of my existence.

I have written to the Justice Minister in Ireland on three occasions. I had a response to the first and no response to the last two. I am not jumping up and down demanding the impossible. I am requesting answers to simple questions and if they cannot be answered then just tell me or at least acknowledge that I have asked them. Please don't ignore me. Please don't ignore any of the victims of sexual abuse, especially now because all we hear is how things have changed. Really? ......Really?

I am patient, but after 37 years of patience and being ignored, I am getting tired of feeling unsupported, uncared for and worst of all an Irishman unimportant to Irish State.

Basically what I am trying to say is that every citizen of every country has a patriotic streak, to a greater or lesser extent and if a citizen wishes to ignore it - that's a choice. I however love Ireland and the Irish. The fact I am the product of my past is something for me to deal with, albeit painful.

I didn't choose to be Irish but am proud to be. It feels like I have been running away from it, crying about it or fighting it all my adult life. Insane as it may sound, I suppose I yearn for the day when I feel Ireland is proud of me. Something tells me that's the impossible dream. What I want to talk about is not some fictitious story from a dark and distant past, a past that lots of us would rather forget. Believe me, I would rather forget it, but my memories don't afford me that luxury.

I will not be making any further requests or asking any further questions of the Irish Government at this stage.

My email correspondence is shown below:

My first email to the Minister for Justice

My email asking for an earlier hearing -  Ignored

Asking for a 5 minute meeting with Mr Shatter -  Ignored