Further delay and disappointment.

The High Court hearing took place yesterday in Dublin. The Judge asked for affidavits to be submitted and will convene another High Court hearing on 3rd July to make a decision on release of Chapter 20. The only way I can describe it is sheer disappointment and disillusion.

The Department of Justice refuse to engage in any kind of dialogue with me.

Thankfully, One in Four keep me updated with any developments. It makes such a difference to know that someone is on our side, and www.oneinfour.ie, an organisation within the Irish establishment, is not afraid to put it's head above the parapet and seek the truth.

Another 3 weeks of limbo.....and I don't mean dancing!

Wall of Silence.

My Email to Mr Alan Shatter TD, Minister for Justice, sent on my return from delivering the petition. I felt it was important for him to know:

A) Why the petition is of such importance for myself and many others.

B) Failure to communicate with me only serves to deepen my feeling of abandonment by the Irish state.

I have yet to receive a response.

"Dear Mr Shatter

I decided to write today to give you an insight as to why this subject is such a huge part of my life and the lives of those who love me. 

I visited your office yesterday, with the support of family members, friends and Deirdre Kenny (advocacy Director of One in Four). We came with a petition and a message for the Irish Government to release chapter 20 of The Murphy Report. A few weeks ago I set up a petition to have Chapter 20 released and over one thousand people from Ireland and worldwide have taken time to sign it. Although it is very important to me, it is obviously important to many others.

As you are aware, The Murphy report was released in November 2009 after years of investigation and at a cost of 3.5 million Euros. Parts of Chapter 20 were redacted because of prosecutions before the courts. I am informed these cases have been dealt with and I trust there should now be no legal impediment to its immediate release.

With my parents love and support, I made a statement to Archbishops House 37 years ago and then to the Gardai 27 years ago giving details of my abusers. We, as a family never heard another word from Church or State. My parents were left to fend for themselves, lost, shocked and confused, as I was.  We had no support or help, in trying to understand what had happened and no guidance as to the affects it may have on our family or me as an individual. We were told “not to talk about it and it would go away”. In effect, we were abandoned by the very institutions we respected.

When as a family or as a child, we are told not to talk about such life altering events these words stay with you and are imprinted on your mind. For years I couldn’t talk about it because of the shame, the fear and the guilt. I can now talk about it and I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. All I have ever asked for and what I am asking for now, is to be told by someone in authority that Chapter 20 will be released without delay. Two Months ago I wrote to you requesting if the High Court hearing could be brought forward? I had no response. Two weeks ago I wrote again and requested a five minute meeting with you, to just seek your reassurance that you are anxious to see Chapter 20 released; again I was saddened not to have had a response. I spoke to your office twice last week and was told you would respond by the end of last week as" there was quite a lot going on".  This wall of silence gives me little confidence after 37 years. Is this the same silence I have lived with all my life? Is it the silence that has prevailed within Irish society for decades, the same silence that goes to the very heart of the clerical sexual abuse scandal?  No-one can tell me not to talk about it anymore because it doesn’t go away. For me and thousands like me, including their loved ones, it never goes away. What happened to me had a devastating effect on my life and the lives of those around me. Chapter 20 is not just a chapter from some fictional work that’s left on a library shelf in the hope that someone will read it. This is about a chapter of Irish life and the lives of real Irish children, who were unfortunate enough to find themselves caught up in a society where it feels like innocence was dispensable, honesty was ignored, respect was ill-founded and the welfare of children was irrelevant.

My 1977 and 1987 statements were apparently discovered by the Gardaí in 2003. To this day I don’t know how they were acted upon or what investigations took place when I made them.  If my statements lay undiscovered for all those years then I have a right to know why. Is it because I wasn’t believed, or was I believed but greater forces decided in their wisdom, that the truth was unpalatable.

Before she died, my Mother tried to speak to as many people in authority as she could, to tell them what happened to me and seek acknowledgement, she was ignored. Perhaps her dignity was perceived as weakness and if lip service was paid to her often enough she would stop looking for answers. If she were alive, she would have proudly stood beside us yesterday in the knowledge that as a Mother she did what was right. As one of so many clerical abuse victims, I did what was right 37 years ago by reporting what happened, in the hope that someone, somewhere, would listen, believe, and act upon the information with honesty and integrity.

The last redacted Chapter (19) was released within a week of final prosecution. It is nearly 3 months since the final prosecution in Chapter 20. It is of great importance to so many people that Chapter 20 is released without further delay.

As a family, we did what we could and did what was right in 1977, I trust the decision makers who gather in the Irish High Court next Tuesday 11^th June, will also do what is right. 

Respectfully Yours

James Moran"

Elation or deflation? Petition delivered.

We arrived at the the Department for Justice and Equality on St Stephen's Green, Dublin to deliver the petition. We were accompanied by Deirdre Kenny - Advocacy Director  www.oneinfour.ie, whose help has been invaluable. There was a photographer from the Irish Independent waiting to 'capture the moment'.

After 5 minutes I ventured up the steps, feeling nervous and went through the revolving doors to reception. The box containing the signatures felt very light but at times it felt like lead. To me it was much more than a box of papers. It was a box of memories, triggers, flashbacks, trial appearances, and other associated negativity. On the other hand it was full of love, support, encouragement and hope.

The receptionist accepted the box when I asked if it could be delivered to Mr Shatter. Who can say whether she had been expecting us? There was no sense of surprise or curiosity. The rest of the group arrived into reception and we asked if Minister Shatter was available but she said that we needed to write in for an appointment. I said I had written but had no response. I couldn't describe the exchange or the atmosphere as warm. After lots of blank stares and moments of awkwardness we did an about turn and the door started to revolve again as we exited.

I'm not sure if I was elated or deflated. Even now a couple of days later I am still not sure. The only thing I am sure of is, we did what we could. Every single person who signed the petition deserved to see that the petition reached it's destination and will find it's way to the person intended.

I may have been nervous whilst delivering it but I was surrounded by lots of love and support. I know my Mother would also be proud to have stood there as it would have been the culmination of much door knocking for her also.

So now we wait for the High Court hearing on Tuesday next and hope that this whole sorry saga will be viewed with one eye on history and the other on transparency.

Coffin for a Cause.

I have written to the Irish Justice Minister a couple of times now and it saddens me that I have had no response. All I have ever asked for and all I am asking for now is for someone in authority to tell me that Chapter 20 will be published without any further delay. After 37 years what does someone have to do? However this is not to be and therefore we will travel to Dublin tomorrow, 5th June to deliver the petition in person. We won't get to meet anyone of note so it may just entail leaving the Petition at a reception desk and they can choose what to do with it. I imagine it will be taken very carefully, possibly by 2 or more security personnel and placed very delicately on the desk of Mr Shatter in readiness for him to read every signature at his earliest convenience!!

Boxing up the signatures this evening was strange in a couple of ways.Firstly that over a thousand people think it's as important as I do to see Chapter 20 published and they have shown so much support throughout the process. Secondly it's almost like most of what defines me is in a box. Maybe not most but certainly a considerable amount of what my life has been about for many years. It's like a 'coffin for a cause'. This in turn is a good thing because it means the last 4 months of pestering people and all the constant reminders can be buried and the soul of the petition is now in the hands of a greater power. I have nothing more to contribute as to whether or not Chapter 20 is released. 50 plus pages of signatures will hopefully bring some pressure to bear on whoever has that final decision.

So it's off to Dublin we go for the quickest trip known to man. We arrive about 3.30pm and leave again around 5.30pm but it's not a sightseeing tour we are going for, the emphasis must be on the task at hand.

This petition may seem as if it's all about me but there are many of us involved in Chapter 20. I however have chosen to speak out, both for myself, but also for the ones who for whatever reason, cannot speak for themselves. So on behalf of everyone involved a great big thank you for your support and kindness.

The petition is still running, and with every signature, an email is generated to both Alan Shatter TD, Minister for Justice and An Taoiseach, Enda Kenny. If you would still like to show your support click here to sign.

Is patience always a virtue?

After 37 years of waiting and the degree of recent press exposure, I thought there would be a modicum of understanding from the Irish authorities toward my situation. I would class myself as a patient person in many ways. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to others even when there is a voice somewhere within, telling me to do otherwise.

Since Patrick McCabe was sentenced on 22nd March, it has been a complete whirlwind of emotion and I have tried to underplay it as best I can in the interests of self preservation, selfishly. Everywhere I turn there are triggers. Some self inflicted because of running the petition and because triggers of past experiences are now part of my DNA.

I have been patient since I gave my first statement to Archbishop's House in 1977. I was patient when I saw my mother crying so often in pure frustration because she didn't know what to do for the best and there was no help or support for her. I was patient for the 10 year period from 2003-2013 whilst McCabe was extradited from the U.S. and brought to Justice. I was patient when the Irish authorities told me that there was nothing more could be done to prosecute my other abuser. I was patient throughout my 5 trips to Dublin (within a six month period) for the trial. I was patient when McCabe's plea was accepted by the Director of Public Prosecutions. I am now TRYING to be patient whilst waiting for Chapter 20 of the Murphy report to be released.

Lots of dates and numbers, lots of gaps and timelines. They don't mean very much to anyone except me. This has been my life. Of course I have had good times and I am tired of measuring moments in my life against abuse triggers such as arrest dates,extradition dates, court appearance dates, sentencing dates and scheduled dates for the release of Chapter 20. I was 12 when I was first abused. The day of my 50th birthday was spent travelling to Ireland for McCabe's sentencing. Unacceptable.

All I ever wanted was to believe that someone, somewhere, had my best interests at heart and what happened to me was wrong and it mattered. After all the fury and disgust displayed by the Catholic Church and the Irish Government over the past 10 years, someone would demonstrate that although I was a very small cog in a very large wheel, someone, somewhere cared.

However I feel the exact opposite.

I am proud to be Irish and although I live in Britain I will always be a proud Irishman. The funny thing is my pride is being eroded as time goes by and the feeling of abandonment becomes more apparent. I am not seeking any grand gestures, just acknowledgement of simple requests or at the very least acknowledgement of my existence.

I have written to the Justice Minister in Ireland on three occasions. I had a response to the first and no response to the last two. I am not jumping up and down demanding the impossible. I am requesting answers to simple questions and if they cannot be answered then just tell me or at least acknowledge that I have asked them. Please don't ignore me. Please don't ignore any of the victims of sexual abuse, especially now because all we hear is how things have changed. Really? ......Really?

I am patient, but after 37 years of patience and being ignored, I am getting tired of feeling unsupported, uncared for and worst of all an Irishman unimportant to Irish State.

Basically what I am trying to say is that every citizen of every country has a patriotic streak, to a greater or lesser extent and if a citizen wishes to ignore it - that's a choice. I however love Ireland and the Irish. The fact I am the product of my past is something for me to deal with, albeit painful.

I didn't choose to be Irish but am proud to be. It feels like I have been running away from it, crying about it or fighting it all my adult life. Insane as it may sound, I suppose I yearn for the day when I feel Ireland is proud of me. Something tells me that's the impossible dream. What I want to talk about is not some fictitious story from a dark and distant past, a past that lots of us would rather forget. Believe me, I would rather forget it, but my memories don't afford me that luxury.

I will not be making any further requests or asking any further questions of the Irish Government at this stage.

My email correspondence is shown below:

My first email to the Minister for Justice

My email asking for an earlier hearing -  Ignored

Asking for a 5 minute meeting with Mr Shatter -  Ignored

Thank you ALL!

Today we reached our goal of 1,000 signatures to the petition. Thank you to everyone who took time from their day to help. It's difficult to express gratitude except to say thank you and sometimes it's difficult to accept a thank you because we may feel it's undeserved. Looking through the list of people that have given me their support, there are of course names I recognise, past and present. There are also hundreds of people  I have never met.

It is quite overwhelming to see such real unconditional goodness in people. There are only a handful of us involved in chapter 20 but that has not been the issue for the hundreds of people from all over the world who have signed. Everyone has seen the principle at stake. The only gain is transparency and the wish of so many, including myself to determine what happened after I made my statements to the authorities 37 years ago.

A petition is no popularity contest, but as the figure increased, I couldn't help feeling the groundswell of support, through the signatures and the comments.It made me realise that the cause is real and it is important. It's not only important to me but it is important to many people, those involved in safeguarding children, survivors and victims, parents, carers and those who may have very little involvement with children but are heavily involved with the pursuit of an honest and open society.

Signing a petition doesn't take a lot of time but it takes a decision to do it. It's only one name but if people are interested and care enough about the subject ( or the person behind it ) then every single name is vitally important.

It is with heartfelt gratitude that I offer a 'THANK YOU' and all I ask in return is that it's proudly accepted. We achieved and surpassed our goal and every single one who cared had their part to play.

37 Year Wait - Update....

In Mid-April I sent an email to the Alan Shatter, Minister for Justice in Ireland, requesting an earlier hearing date for the release of chapter 20 of the Murphy Report. I received an email by return, acknowledging receipt, but nothing else. 

My petition for the release of chapter 20 is now at a crucial point - I now require just over 100 signatures to reach my target of 1,000. Those who have taken the time to sign include many friends, family and fellow survivors. I can not thank you enough. Given the lack of response from the Minister for Justice - I may now need the petition more than ever. If you can think of anyone you know who may want to sign it, please click HERE and spread the word!

My Facebook page has over 100 'likes' and so many of my friends and family have helped spread the word about my Murphy Report petition. Thank you everyone. I also now have over 200 followers on Twitter, many of whom have been great support. The moment I tweet something, there is a steady stream of retweets! It is so nice to know that there are people out there willing to help in any way they can. 

Last week, I had a very productive meeting with my local Member of Parliament, Edward Timpson, who also happens to be the Children's Minister here in the UK. He was incredibly helpful and supportive, and pledged to do all he could to help. He does a lot of work with the NSPCC, both locally and nationally, so I hope I can do something in return.

Thank you again to each and every one of you that have supported me in any way.

My online petition: Ireland - Release Chapter 20 of The Murphy Report

I now need just over 200 signatures to reach my target figure of 1,000. Signing will help me keep pressure on the Irish Government to release the final, censored chapter of the Murphy Report.

The criminal proceedings to which the contents of Chapter 20 refer, are now over. I can see no reason why this chapter should not now be released. I would like to know the reasons why justice has taken 37 years. 
Chapter 20 must be released.

Please CLICK HERE to sign my petition. If you have already signed it, please spread the word and share it with your friends and family. Many thanks!

To find out more about the Murphy Report, CLICK HERE

To see Chapter 20 of the Murphy Report in it's redacted form, CLICK HERE

Closure ?

Everyone talks about closure as if there will be a tangible, light bulb moment when it happens, or begins to happen. What should it feel like? Does it begin after a trial, after an apology, after acknowledgement or even perhaps after a compensation payment. I have spent the last 10 years in counselling and the ultimate aim was 'closure'.

When I last wrote about this post-trial period and how it was different than I had imagined, I still believed it was a period of closure, principally because that is what I had imagined it to be.

I have spoken with my counsellor many times about it and perhaps even when I should expect it. What form does it take?  Would I be aware of it as it happens? Will it make me feel very different? Will I be able to cope with life after 'closure'?

Whilst visiting my GP 2 weeks ago, he asked me how things were and I told him how I was feeling. I mentioned the 'C' word. He asked me what closure was? He asked me why I needed it? He asked me why I couldn’t live a normal life, running parallel to my past? Because the likelihood is that I will not forget what happened and it will always be part of me and part of my life. I was slightly stunned. Not because he was blunt but because that was perhaps the start of something new. An acceptance… or dare I say 'closure' in the form of acceptance.

The truth is I now firmly believe that there is no such thing as closure. There is, however a way of functioning normally. Whilst not forgetting the past, the future must take priority and we have to remember that our legacy is of our own making. The fact that we don’t wear our past on our sleeve doesn’t mean there’s no story to tell. The fact we wear a smile doesn’t mean there’s no sadness. The fact that there are positives in our lives does not eradicate the negatives. The truth is that all of the stories, sadness and negatives are still there but they have been assigned to a place where they belong, THE PAST.

I don’t want to be defined as a victim of clerical sexual abuse. Yes its part of what formed me but that doesn’t mean it must define me. It has made me what I am (whatever that may be) but it is not all I am.

The irony here for me is the quest for 'closure' only extends the anxiety in the search for it. It is a self- perpetuating road to nowhere. I am in the process of accepting that my memories will be with me forever and although that’s difficult to accept it’s also quite refreshing. It’s a different view, even a brighter view, because I am not allowing events of the past to control me, and everything I do.

The fact is that everyone has a story to tell but some will let it define them and others won’t. Some will find it easier than others and some will find that it’s not an approach for them to take. I, on the other hand will make a start and see where it takes me. God knows I have tried everything else and the only one who will create a legacy for me is myself, (with the help and support of those who love me).

So as for the apologies, the acknowledgements, the trials and all the compensation payments, they are all part of a process of acceptance, all part of a process of greater understanding of self and others and all part of a wider public awareness. None of them either alone or collectively will allow anyone to forget. They will however allow us to live our lives with pride and dignity which has eluded us for so long.

I am not saying accept it and move on…. I am saying accept it as best you can and live a little!

Thanks to everyone who has signed my petition. I have now reached the 750 signature mark. Just 250 to go to my 1,000 name target! If you can, please find a few seconds to sign or share it with your friends and family.

Every signature means so much to me, as each one helps me to keep pressure on the Irish Government to ensure that Chapter 20 of the Murphy Report IS released.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN OR SHARE